Depression, Rejection, Loneliness | My 7 Stages of Grief With PCOS

When I was going through the stages of grief with PCOS I had no idea that I was experiencing that at the time.  I didn’t have the knowledge of myself, my body, or my spirit to understand what was happening and that it was a progressive evolution through emotions of grief.  All I knew, at the time, was that I felt a lot of emotions and quite often they were overwhelming and I wasn’t always sure of how to navigate them.  When I was officially diagnosed with PCOS I was barely 18 years old and fresh out of high school.  I wasn’t too far out of puberty and didn’t even have a full understanding of my evolving female body, menstruation, and procreation.  So, trying to comprehend and embrace what my body was going through with PCOS was often a point of confusion for me.  I wasn’t quite sure what was “normal” and what was PCOS.  I just knew that I was unhappy with my body and hopeless about my situation.  Back in the late 1990’s PCOS was a mystery to doctors and women alike.  So, there was very little information or support available.  The web pages, meet up groups, coaches, and organizations that are more prominent today, were not there when I started my journey with PCOS. So, working through it became very disheartening and I felt alone in my fight.

I think that my anger about PCOS was actually the last bit of fight that I had in me at the time.  After I felt upset with everyone else, including God, about my body and health I realized that nothing was changing for the better.  I was continuing to see more and more negative affects of PCOS in my life and I felt alienated from everyone around me.  My “fight” turned into apathy and I lost the desire to “try”.  Because I didn’t know HOW to heal my body or improve my situation, I actually began to believe that healing and happiness was not impossible.  I felt undesirable and ugly due to the extreme weight gain and other visible symptoms.  I didn’t feel like I “fit in” with the other young women around me because my body and my health were so different from them.  I lacked the self-esteem and confidence to date.  I didn’t think that men would be attracted to me or interested in me.  So I tried to overcompensate.  I became image driven and materialistic.  I became obsessed with the perfection of my appearance.  I thought that if I had the perfect hair, makeup, nails, clothes, and shoes maybe no one would notice all the other things going on with my body.  I ran with the wrong crowd of girlfriends and attracted the wrong type of men.  The more I tried to be accepted and embraced, the more I experienced rejection and loneliness.  Being rejected after such aggressive attempts to be accepted just led to more self hate in my life and it took me into bouts of depression.  

I hated my body.  I didn’t know who I was as a person, because I was trying to please so many people, in order to be accepted.  I had horrible eating habits and my self care was non existent.  My toxic emotions, energy, and lifestyle were sending me into a spiral FAST!  The way I was living and the way I was feeling about my body and self were exasperating my health condition.  My sugar levels were spiking and plummeting on a regular basis.  My digestive system was dysfunctional and I was constantly in pain and discomfort.  My sleep was erratic.  My mental and emotional state was depleted of any positive energy.  I was in need of healing in EVERY part of my life.

Stay Tuned For The Next Phase in My 7 Stages of Grief with PCOS: “The UPWARD turn!”

Who would have thought that a person who had such an unhealthy physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual life would ever be able to live a holistically healthy and happy one?  I would never have imagined that I could be confident in my skin and empowered in my health and wellness journey.  My life is a testimony to the fact that love DOES heal and that it is very possible to have a healthy, loving relationship with our body and self.  If you are experiencing a toxic body relationship, you can begin your journey to healing now!  As a person who has taken that journey, I am happy to say that you are capable of experiencing healing too.

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